Asking for Permission

I was planning a trip to L.A. to see some girlfriends. We were flying in from different parts of the world for a few days of fun, rest and relaxation. No one was bringing their kids.

But it was eating me up. How could I be near Disneyland and not take my three year old? Even though my work allows me to spend lots of time with my son, the working mother in me felt guilt! In weighing the pros and cons, I knew he wouldn’t really enjoy Disneyland to the fullest (that big black mouse would probably scare him to death) and missing nap times to make the most of those expensive tickets would guarantee a cranky child and cranky mom!

After talking to my husband and family who assured me my son wouldn’t remember Disneyland at his age and that it was good for me to get away, I booked my solo ticket.

What’s this story about? Even though I knew what was right for me – a few days away from it all - I needed permission. Permission is a form of endorsement from other people. I wanted someone to give a blessing to a course of action that in my heart I wanted to follow, but somehow couldn’t allow myself to pursue.

Sometimes we need advice from an expert, but more often it’s permission from our loved ones, friends and ultimately, ourselves. To live our life vision, we need to get better at giving ourselves permission to choose what feels right and then act on it. This is not about acting selfishly, but about living according to our own values and priorities, not somebody else’s. Sometimes we give up too much of our lives to meet other people’s goals.

Whether you’re making plans for a vacation or making a career change, listen to your inner voice and let it guide you. Giving yourself permission will help you take more control of your life.

Practice asking for permission, it will get easier!

• Identify something you want to do (or stop doing) and ask yourself why you are stuck. Do you feel guilty? Do you really want it? Is it about what others will think?
• Whose permission do you need to move forward? Ask for their support.
• If you need permission from yourself, grant it on a temporary basis – a day, week, month or year – and evaluate the decision as you go along.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

–Eleanor Roosevelt

The Importance of Acknowledging Your Strengths

I was coaching a client recently who was nervous about going to a networking event. This client is in a powerful position with a media company, and has lived and worked all around the world rubbing shoulders with very influential people. The reason she was nervous? She felt that she comes across as a “babbling idiot”.

Having known her a while, I knew this was far from the truth. In fact, she is an energetic, intelligent woman who inspires people. When I shared this with her, and that her passion for life attracts people to her who want a little bit of that zest she has, she had the courage to acknowledge that this was the truth! She went to the event keeping in mind the manner in which people really see her…and was amazed at how many leads she got.

Let’s face it. It’s so easy to identify and talk about our fears, insecurities and faults – after all, we have a long list. But how many of us can easily say what is great about us? What our strengths are, and focus on them instead of our weaknesses?

It takes guts to admit to oneself, let alone others, that we are good, lovable…and maybe even powerful. Our automatic programming tells us to “fix” the weaker parts of our being instead of celebrating our success and brilliance. Society has taught us that you don’t want to be an underachiever, but many of us don’t feel comfortable standing out above the crowd either. To do so would attract undue attention (who wants that!), or threaten others and then people won’t like us or love us.

If you don’t claim who you really are and want to become, you cannot live your best life. Identifying your strengths allows you to more easily tackle not only the daily struggles of life, but also your big dreams.

This month, think about your natural talents, special gifts or traits. By articulating and claiming who you are, you can bring more of your energy into nurturing your strengths instead of focusing on your weaknesses. Which kind of life would you prefer?

Do the Try It Out exercise below to help you identify and claim your strengths

• What do you do easily and naturally?
• What’s lovable about you?
• What have other people said are your best qualities or what do others compliment you on?

We often can’t see what others see easily in us. Do this exercise with a friend, partner or mentor and let them know what their strengths are too!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”

Actually, who are you not to be?...Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so other people won’t feel insecure around you…as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

- Nelson Mandela, 1994 inaugural speech

Go Do The Small Stuff

There is a crowded little island that everyone in the world has been to several times, including you and me – and it’s called “Someday”. It’s so appealing that many people who go there never return.

“Someday I’ll have the family, house, luxury car and 2 dogs and then I’ll be happy. Someday this current misery will end, the venture capitalists will understand my genius and I’ll figure out what I really want, and then I’ll be happy. Someday I’ll retire financially independent – just wait and see – I’ll be really happy then.”

The problem with living on this island is that you don’t appreciate today, even though we don’t even know if we’ll make it to tomorrow. We focus on the goal as the means of fulfillment: the thing, answer or solution which has the power to give us happiness.

I coach my clients that fulfillment is not something you can get or own. It’s something you can be. It is always available, every day, by living according to what you value most. Achieving goals can be very satisfying but living a life on purpose, on the path toward the goal is fulfilling as well.

For example, if your goal is to live in Mexico when you retire, start taking a Spanish class. Read novels written by Mexican writers. Research their art, history and culture. Learn to cook Mexican food. If you can afford it, go there to explore and find the community where you’ll want to live.

It isn’t necessarily the big pleasures that bring the most happiness, sometimes it’s doing the small stuff. Have breakfast in bed. Walk on the beach at sunset. Hug your children. Kiss your partner behind the ear. Find a long lost friend. Take that class you’ve always wanted to take. Spend an hour at the bookstore. Plant flowers in your garden. Give someone a compliment and make their day. Look up at the stars on a clear night.

So what’s on your list?

Do the Try It Out exercise below to determine what brings you happiness

When you are most alive:

• Who are you?
• What are you doing?
• Who are you with?

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away."

- Anonymous

The Shiny Object Syndrome

Since I coach high-achieving clients who want a more fulfilling life, many have what I call the “Shiny Object Syndrome”. In fact, most of us have caught it at one point or another, as the attractive “shiny object” can take many forms: glittery material things, sparkling people or hot career opportunities.

For example, I have a client who works for a telecommunications company. She isn’t challenged at her job and feels she isn’t given the respect or recognition she deserves. As an entrepreneur-at-heart, her mind is trained to look for new opportunities...and of course she often finds them.

Whenever an exciting opportunity surfaces, she feels “oooh, this is it. I want it. I’m going to go and get it.” Each “shiny object” takes a lot of her time, energy and effort to pursue, and ultimately causes a lot of trouble and chaos in her life overall.

If you’re in a similar position, how do you deal with the shiny objects that keep coming into your life?

First of all, you need to gain clarity about your values. In its simplest expression, a fulfilling life is one in which important values are honored each and every day. Values serve as your guideposts on a journey to discover what you want and challenging decisions become clearer when you can answer questions such as, “Will this decision honor my values? What values will my “future self” support in this situation?”

By aligning choices with your values, you can still pick up each shiny object that comes your way, look at it from different perspectives, and, either try it on or put it back down. You don’t have to keep each shiny object that comes down your path. Pick it up to see what you can learn from it – and sometimes what you learn is that you don’t need it at all. Maybe it was meant for someone else down the path and you can pass it along.

Do the Try It Out exercises below to help you identify what some of your values are

• Beyond food, shelter and community, what needs to be in your life to have you feel fulfilled? (ie. Adventure, partnership, accomplishment)

• If there is something you really want, and you got it, what would it mean to you?

• What is present when you are at your best?

"If you're not sure where you're going, you'll probably end up somewhere else."

-Unknown

What We Can’t “Be With” Runs Our Lives

I don’t like to sit still. With all the things I have to do, and want to do, I would rather “Be in action”, move forward and focus on options.

This usually works well for a time, but then I might start to feel dissatisfied, like there is something in the way of my life flowing smoothly… but I don’t quite know what it is. So I get curious. What am I resisting? What is it that I need to “Be With”?

For example, in the past, I have procrastinated writing a speech because I was nervous about delivering it. So this fear was always in the back of my mind, like a boulder blocking my path that I had to continually take the time and energy to avoid. When I figured out what I was really resisting, it’s that I don’t want to fail. But until I can experience fully what failure may mean to me, and all the emotions associated with it, I’ll experience this fear at a low level all the time.

Whether it is failing, disappointing others, anger or seductiveness, there are things each of us can’t “be with”. Imagine how many boulders might be on your path and the energy it takes to go around them. If we avoid failure at all costs, for example, we cut ourselves off from what might be possible if we tried something new, took risks or moved forward anyway and dealt with the consequences.

As human beings, we often resist going down the dark, fearful paths in our lives, nervously anticipating the awful monsters we might encounter along the way. We want to stay in the familiar, no matter how unhappy we may be, because it is safe and comfortable. We resist going to a better place in our life because it means we may have to go through something hard in order to get there.

“Being With” is a strange phrase, and it implies stillness, exploration, moving deeper into an experience and maybe, acceptance. Whatever shows up is perfect. Nothing has to change in the moment. Just be curious about what is there. Until you recognize what you’ve been struggling to avoid, it keeps getting bigger until it controls and runs your life.

Do the Try It Out exercise below to help you determine what you can't be with

• What’s concerning you right now?

• What is it that’s hard for you to be with? Name it, own it and don’t pass judgment.

• Sit with where you are for a few days and continue exploring deeper into what is true, right now

"What we resist persists."

-Sonia Johnson

It's All In How You Look At Things

I have a client whose job entails contacting entrepreneurs and high-profile business people on a daily basis. At some point in the future, he is interested in starting a business himself. We talked about how seeing and hearing about entrepreneurs’ successes and challenges have been intimidating. Does he really have what it takes to get there? What kind of business would he start?

I found his thoughts interesting, because what I know of this person is that he is professional, well-liked and well-respected by the organization. He has also been publicly acknowledged for his contribution to the group.

Instead of looking at his current position as a source of “stress” (ie. How will I ever be as successful as these entrepreneurs?), I encouraged him to look for the opportunity. He has access to hundreds of successful people who like him! He can learn from these entrepreneurs about what they do, what their challenges are and how they overcame them. Maybe he’ll have the opportunity to partner up with one of these entrepreneurs in the future. Who knows what the possibilities are?

In our coaching, we took the original information and looked at it from another perspective in order to explore what is possible. It’s all in how you look at things. This is a technique called reframing, which can be a powerful skill in stress management.

We all reframe things on occasion, but learning to do it more consistently and with intention can help you manage frustration and disappointment. Why not look at disappointments as rungs on a ladder, on the way up?

For example, what if you’re told that you were selected as second choice for a position in a very competitive market? You can be disappointed and question your professional competence. Or you can reframe the situation as follows: “To be selected as second choice in such a competitive market indicates the high quality of my experience and expertise.” Which thought would you rather carry around with you?

Our stress doesn’t usually come from events or situations, but from how we interpret them. Things aren’t always what they seem. By changing the way we think, we can often change the way we feel.

Do the “Try It Out” exercise below to help you practice reframing.

• Identify a situation that’s upsetting you right now

• Look for any positives, benefits or opportunities by asking yourself:

• Is there another point of view I can take?

• What can I learn from this?
• Is there anything funny about this situation?

• Ask a partner, friend or family member on how they would reframe it. Brainstorm interpretations!

"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so regretfully upon the closed door that we don't see the one that has opened for us."
- Alexander Graham Bell

Ask For What You Want

Travel has always been a big part of my life. It honors my values of adventure, challenge, connection with different cultures and fun. It began in my 20’s with a backpacking adventure, and even now with a family, we rent out our place and go somewhere for several months at a time.

In a matter of weeks, I can find a tenant, enroll clients and associates into my new schedule and have our support network of friends and family look after things such as pets, plants and paintings. We leave with nothing planned except the first few days’ accommodations and technology has allowed my work to continue from even the most remote places in Africa.

We let everyone know what we are doing, what we want and need and somehow things just seem to fall into place. Have you ever noticed that children continually ask for what they want and expect to get it, but adults have developed a fear around it? Is that because of judgment, fear of failure or that we might just get what we want?

We all have days when everything seems to go right. Having a parking spot open up exactly where we need it, finding the exact house we want, money becoming available for a trip we want to take or a project we want to start. Sometimes people we’ve been trying to reach suddenly call or appear and we can wrap up our business with them quickly and efficiently. Everything is in sync.

These days, over and over again, as soon as I’ve become clear on what it is that I want, the circumstances I need to get it become available to me almost effortlessly. I find that synchronicity operates in many areas of my life – I just have to slow down and pay attention to the messages and possibilities. And then I ask for what I want, with no shame and no guilt.

This is not to say that everything is a piece of cake. But if you like the idea of synchronicity, then make a formal declaration to yourself about what you want and then let others know about it. It might take a day, a month or a year to get it, but put your intention out there and the results might just amaze you.

Do the “Try It Out” exercise below to help you practice asking for what you want

• Identify something you want
• Ask yourself:

• What is one step I can take to get there?

• Who can help me with that first step?
• Who do I need to be to achieve what I want? (ie. courageous, vulnerable, creative)

• Share your thoughts with those around you and ask for what you want

"When you know what you want, and want it badly enough, you'll find a way to get it."
- Jim Rohn

Do It Now

A friend of my mother’s recently passed away. It was all very sudden, and by all accounts she was a vibrant and healthy 62 year-old. My mother, who was widowed before she was 50, is shaken up every time a friend or loved one gets sick or dies.

“I have to do things now,” she always says. “I might not be around otherwise.” A sobering thought, but it has also given my mother a new energy about living and experiencing life to the fullest. She travels to far-off places she wants to see, and has chosen to work in an environment that gives her the flexibility to spend time with friends and family that are important to her. She may not be financially wealthy, but she is richer than many people I know.

Whether we are 20 or 90, we will never really know when we will die. And yet day after day, we do the mundane and the expected, thinking that one day when everything is “perfect”, we can get started on making our dreams come true. It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on this earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up - that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it were the last.

Steven Covey, who wrote the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, has endorsed the “eulogy approach” in his writings to bring to light what people would most regret if they waited too long to achieve their dreams.

What would your eulogy read if you died today? “He wanted to ________, too bad he died before he could do it.”

I’m not saying drop everything and be irresponsible, but everyday we make dozens, even hundreds of decisions to do or not do certain things. The choices we make, no matter how trivial they may seem, contribute to creating a life that is more (or less) fulfilling. The decisions we make move us toward our dreams, or they move us away.

It is never too late to work on your dreams. What are you waiting for?

Do the Try it Out exercises below to help you learn to Do It Now

• What would your eulogy read if you died today?
• How would your perfect eulogy sound like (your legacy you want to leave)?
• Find one thing in your perfect eulogy, it can be as simple as “inspire one person” or as noble as “start a non-profit charity” and get started now!

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

-Anonymous

When A Fact of Life…Is Not

Many of us have a belief so powerful, it appears to be an unquestionable fact of life. Some common examples are:

• “I need to make a lot of money to be successful”
• “My boss works late so I should be there too”
• “If I want something done right, I have to do it myself”
• “I have to be all things to all people”

Beliefs are assumptions we hold about how things should be, how people should behave and how the world works. It is a feeling of certainty we have about something. Often, we even blend together two facts into one disempowering belief. The belief appears to be a fact of life and it’s not.

For example, a common belief that robs us of time: “When people make requests, I have to fit it into my schedule”. The separate facts are: “People are making requests AND there is a schedule I want to keep.” It’s important to separate interpretations if you want to be more resourceful about selecting options. If in the past you’ve said yes to requests automatically, what would be another way to deal with requests? You could check your calendar first. You could say no. If it’s a work related issue, you could find someone else to delegate to.

Remember that once accepted, our beliefs become unquestioned commands to our nervous systems. They have the power to expand or destroy the possibilities of our present and future. Phrases that include “should”, “have to” or “need to” are usually beliefs that don’t serve us very well. These disempowering beliefs are draining us of time, energy and resources.

In order to create a belief system that doesn’t run your life, you must take conscious control. Challenge your beliefs. Where did they come from, or who taught them to you? Stop accepting them as the truth. Look at them critically and see if they still work for you. Then choose to let go of limiting beliefs and replace them with more constructive ones.

One of the most empowering beliefs I embraced in growing my PR business is that other people can do things as well as I can – sometimes even better! By letting go, I was able to have more leisure time, spend lots of time with my young son as well as meet the needs of a growing clientele base.

What beliefs will support you in creating a life of balance and fulfillment?

Do the Try It Out exercises below to help you create empowering beliefs

• Observe how your belief systems influence your choices and priorities this week. Ask questions that reveal your hidden beliefs (“Why am I saying yes to this person or request?”, “Why am I cleaning the house when I’d rather go for a walk on the beach?”)
• Ask yourself, what would it cost me emotionally/physically/financially if I don’t let go of this belief?
• Pick one belief to re-create so that it supports balance in your life. For example, change “work BEFORE fun” to “work AND fun” or even, “work IS fun”!

“Nothing in life has any meaning, except the meaning you give it. Make sure that you consciously choose the meanings that are most in alignment with the destiny you’ve chosen for yourself.”

-Anthony Robbins

Life Sentences

Did you know, by the time you were in kindergarten many of your self-beliefs were already in place? They could be positive and foster self-esteem, such as: I am creative. I am loved. I am responsible. Or limiting and negative: I am stupid. I am unwanted. I am a klutz.

Whether positive or negative, these "I AM" core beliefs held at the age of 5 or 6 can influence you throughout your entire life. They can be "Life Sentences."

It is critical to understand this because your thoughts lead you to certain actions, which then creates r e s u l t s.

Picture this. Two colleagues at work are given a challenging project. One holds the belief "I can learn what I want to learn." The other holds the beliefs "I am not good enough. I am a fraud." Who do you think will do better?

The learner will approach the project with excitement. She will be confident, assured and eager to begin. She is not afraid of asking questions, does not feel threatened by getting others involved or exploring ideas.

The one who believes he isn't good enough will act as if he isn't good enough. Since that belief is firmly rooted in his subconscious, he will tackle the project more apprehensively, perhaps procrastinate or be unwilling to ask for help in case he gets "found out." He will more likely interpret events in ways that are consistent with his belief of not being good enough. "There I go again, I knew I couldn't do it. That's just who I am." As time goes by, he'll continue to find ways of proving this to himself.

Although life sentences are formed early on, it's possible to grant yourself a reprieve. You can strengthen or weaken a life sentence by the attitudes you reflect not just to yourself, but to your children, loved ones and colleagues.

Every day we make hundreds of choices about what behaviors to notice. In any workplace or home setting you can choose to notice cooperation or uncooperation, initiative or procrastination, persistence or resignation, responsibility or irresponsibility.

So please, choose carefully when you decide what life sentences to pass onto yourself or others. Make sure it's a life you'd want to live.

Do the Try It Out exercises below to help you consciously choose your life sentences

• What Life Sentences do you carry around with you now?
• What Life Sentences have you passed onto your colleagues, your family and friends?
• Determine a challenging situation, action or decision you’ve been putting off and ask yourself what life sentences will be most helpful in what you need to achieve.
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“When you change the way you look at things…the things you look at change.”

-Wayne Dyer

A New Approach to Goal Setting

Recently, media and celebrities alike are creating a new paradigm saying that 40 is the new 30, 50 is the new 40 and so on. In that spirit, I thought I’d propose that September is the new January! People tend to start new cycles in their lives at this time of year – children go back to school, adults take a continuing education class, and those in the workforce tackle new projects. So, hurray and Happy New Year!

If this is the start of a new cycle, what’s in store for you? Instead of resolutions or goals, I suggest creating overriding intentions or life “themes”.

Stephen Shapiro, author of Goal-Free Living says, “When you are consumed by your goals, you focus on the future rather than being present to what is around you. Life seems like a sacrifice. You become stressed as you work hard towards your goals. As a result, you rarely perform your best (there’s a reason why 92% of New Years Resolutions fail). And to make matters worse, because you are so focused on your future goals, you often miss “hidden” opportunities that would bring you even greater success and happiness.”

On the other hand, creating intentions takes into account the bigger picture of your whole life. It is about capturing the essence in a few words, and describing what you want to accomplish in all areas of your life. You can set an expiry date of 3 months, 6 months or a year from now, when you can re-evaluate where you are and what new intentions would serve you best. Base your intentions on what brings you joy, resonates with your heart and makes you smile when you say it.

For example, I just moved to an island near Vancouver. Yup, an island. Three months ago we simply looked around and decided this was our dream home and environment. And now we’re here and I pinch myself everyday. My theme for the next few months are “community” “focus” and “learning”. I am very excited to be involved and meet new people in the community, so I am putting myself in situations where that is possible – whether it’s talking to other parents at the pre-school, exploring the island or attending local events. In my businesses, after the fun and sun of summer, I am buckling down to focus on preparing new service offerings and consciously saying no to opportunities that don’t inspire me. And learning? It’s like another form of food for me. Something I hunger for and need to feed.

As you explore who you are, and what you want in life, listen for the words that come to you. Perhaps it’s Balance. Or Letting Go. Or Personal Growth. Passion. Rejuvenation. Leadership. And for type-A’s like myself, maybe it’s even…Patience.

Whatever you come up with, use it as your filter in making decisions and determining where you put your time and priorities. Not only will you be happier, you’ll never “fail” at goals or New Year’s resolutions again.

Do the Try It Out exercises below to help you set more powerful intentions

• What would you like to accomplish both personally and professionally that would bring joy and fulfillment?

• Looking at this list, what are the themes that come up or what is the essence of what you want to experience?

• Pick 3 – 5 intentions and share them with friends, family and colleagues. Post it where you can remind yourself everyday. By sharing and making it “real”, you will be more conscious of making decisions aligned with your intentions.
  

“There are only two things you “have to” do in life. You “have to” die and you “have to” live until you die. You make up the rest.

-Marilyn Grey

A Place for Everything

From time to time, various experts will share their wisdom in articles exclusively written for Connect the Dots Coaching. This month, professional organizer Connie Chan talks about de-cluttering. You can contact her at 604-841-5287.


Who in their right mind would get excited about the possibility of taking out the trash? I’ve long been an advocate of clearing the clutter from our homes, but I’m not talking about yesterday’s newspaper or empty soup cans. I’m talking about items that you think you need.

Picture this: magazines, albeit neatly organized, bulging out the sides of my bookshelves; paid but un-filed bills in a box; unused candles on display but collecting dust. Sound familiar? How often have you quietly said to yourself “but I’ll need it someday!” People are hesitant to throw something out that hasn’t been used, worn, even glanced at for years for fear that they will need it ‘someday’.

As the demands and stresses of life increase, what can you identify that is holding you back from discarding stress in your life, whether it has a shape or form, or not? Organizing happens from the inside out, and you can start by taking time out to access why you are holding onto your clutter.

The benefits of getting organized are unmistakable, yet the process can be overwhelming. It's hard to know where to start, and difficult to stay focused from beginning to end. Since organizing is a process, not a quick fix, a popular approach is to schedule a series of daily or weekly appointments with yourself. Find a system that is easy to maintain because it is based on your needs, unique goals, natural style and habits.

Whether you live alone or in a full house, you can start today with a few simple steps:

• Deal with things on a daily basis. Recycle papers and magazine. Ten minutes a day can really add up.
• Put everything in its place. If you leave your mail on the kitchen counter, move it to your office area. That way, you’re more likely to find it when it’s time to open them.
• Avoid zigzagging from room to room. Instead pick one room or a small area within a room that’s achievable to start with. Success often propels one to continue.
• Surround yourself only with things you love or that serve a regular, useful function. If you don’t need it, don’t buy it.
• Purge. Consider craigslist.com, consignment or donating to your favorite charity.

What I know now was that each day I let go of clutter, I was also letting go of a little bit of stress. Elena recently visited my home and mentioned that it felt different: more spacious, inviting and peaceful. I hope she also noticed that my state of mind reflected my space - clear and uncluttered.

Do the Try it Out exercises below to help you get rid of your clutter:

• What’s one thing that you can get rid of today that will clear the clutter in your home?
• Try that item of clothing on. Does it fit and flatter your figure? Do you feel a spring in your step when you try it on?
• Pick up items and ask yourself, “do I love it enough to keep it?’

“Out of clutter find simplicity. From discord find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” - Albert Einstein

10 Ways To Say No (Without Feeling Guilty)

As a Libra and a people-pleaser, I find it extremely difficult to say “No”. I want everything in harmony and everybody happy, often at a cost to my own well-being. So of course, I’m surprised (and a little jealous) that my four-year old can smile, say “No thanks, mommy” several times a day with such ease!

Tell me if this sounds familiar – you’re asked to do something you don’t really want to do or have time for, but you would feel guilty if you said No. Whether it’s a church fundraiser, a committee at your child’s school or working late, it’s important to learn to say No if you don’t want to get overwhelmed, stressed or resentful. It’s about self-protection - people who are able to say No have more free time, energy and feel more in control of their lives.

In the workplace, where teamwork is essential, learning to say No doesn’t mean you become uncooperative. Rather, it is recognizing your limits and being selective in what you choose to do. That you don't want to do a sloppy job by overwhelming yourself. That you value your time and priorities and aren't willing to take away from the truly important things in your life. A little selfishness is necessary if you want to stay sane and maintain a balanced life!

So how can you say No diplomatically and without guilt? David Posen, in his “Little Book of Stress Relief” says if you do it properly, you don’t actually have to use the word No.

Express your wish to help:
“I’d like to do that for you but I’m not taking on new projects at the moment.”

Give an explanation:
“I have a doctor’s appointment” or “I have another commitment.” You don’t have to get personal.

Offer an alternative:
“I won’t be able to do it, but I can show you how to do it.”

Find someone else who can do the task:
“I think Sally would be better for the job, and I know she loves to do it.”

Admit your limitations:
“I don’t have experience in that, so I can’t help you” or “I’m not comfortable with that.”

Offer to do it later:
“I can’t help you now, but I can do it next week.”

Offer to do a part:
“I’d be happy to do this part for you.”

Ask for the priority:
“I’m in the middle of several projects, which one would you like me to set aside to do this?”

Give yourself time to think about it:
“Can I get back to you? I’ll have to check my schedule” or “I’ve had a few things come up and need to deal with those first”

However, I find the tenth and most simple way to say No is to smile and say:

“No, but thanks for asking” without launching into the why. People aren’t really interested in your busyness – they’re too busy contending with too much busyness of their own.

So take the time to evaluate and come to terms with your limits: What you’re able to do, what you’re willing to do, and what you want to do. After that, give yourself permission to say No without guilt and find more time and joy to do the things you really want to do.

Do the Try It Out exercises below to help you learn to say No:

• Pick a way to say No that you are comfortable with, and practice ahead of time.
• Notice the requests made for your time or energy and begin to determine what boundaries you want to set.
• Give yourself permission to say No at the next appropriate opportunity.

“Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least.”-Goethe

Trusting Your Intuition

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you knew was not right for you? Perhaps you started a new job. Although everything on paper pointed to a great opportunity, there was something about it that didn't feel good and eventually you parted ways with the company.

Or maybe you've had the experience of wanting to get in touch with a friend or family member - without being quite sure why - and then later found out the timing was important for some reason. Some people have great hunches about investments. Others instinctively know which way to turn at the fork on the road.

How did they know? How did you know? We are all born with a powerfully intuitive nature, but it often gets buried or lost along the way. It starts in childhood, when we're told, "What do you know? You're just a little kid." And so you began not to trust your own feelings. It continues into adulthood with our fast-paced lifestyles, where many of us have simply forgotten how to listen to our inner wisdom.

At times in our lives when making choices may feel cloudy or overwhelming, a real opportunity lies in learning to open ourselves to what is already present and available within us: our own natural homing device - our intuition - that we have trained ourselves to push down or reason away.

There's a famous business story about intuition involving Conrad Hilton of the Hilton Hotels. He wanted to buy a company which was going to go to the highest bidder in a closed auction.

He submitted a sealed bid for $165,000. And he awakened the next morning with the number $180,000 in his head, which wouldn't go away. So he changed his bid at the very last moment. He secured the property, which eventually brought him $2 million in profit. The next highest bid was $179,800. If he hadn't raised his bid, he would have lost.

What are you missing, by not listening to yourself?

If you've forgotten how, the way to get back in touch with your intuition is to have quiet time. Take time to walk on the beach, be with yourself, meditate or write. You might be surprised at the insights and ideas that come to you in silence.

While there's no substitute for gathering information about a task or situation before making decisions, you shouldn't be afraid of not knowing every reason why you feel the way you do. Sometimes you just know... that you know.

Do the Try It Out exercises below to help you get in touch with your intuition:

• Pick an area of indecision you’re struggling with right now. After listing all options, pros and cons, take some quiet time and listen to your intuition.
• Make a physical and mental note of the information that comes with your intuition. The idea is to create an association between the memory of the physical sensation and the data that came with your "intuitive feeling".
• Use your intuition often. You will turn out to be right most of the time.
  
  

"It is always with excitement that I wake up in the morning wondering what my intuition will toss up to me, like gifts from the sea. I work with it and rely on it. It's my partner." - Jonas Salk