Relationships That Fuel Your Career

In my last article, I wrote about building a soulful community of personal relationships. This article is about building a business community of relationships that are a crucial factor in taking your career or business to the top.

Let’s face it. You won’t get to the top of the game of life without other people. Successful businesses are built on a solid foundation of strong relationships. Relationships help you get a handle on who you are, and who you want to become. The quality of relationships that will take your career to the top depends equally on what you put into it and what you get out of it.

Laura Berman Fortgang is one of the top career coaches in the field. In her book “Take Yourself to the Top,” she suggests assembling a strong personal and professional community to support you.

In order to have more than you’ll need in terms of love, support, friendship and opportunity, you’ll need:

Your Inside Ten

People inside of your life you can count on – friends, family and people with whom you have close ties in your professional world. They bring out your best, buffer and cushion you from negative influences, are generous with you and don’t feel threatened when you succeed. They don’t talk behind your back, always have your best interests at heart and they feel exactly the same about you. It’s a two way street. You are both in the relationship because it enhances both your lives.

Your Frontline Twenty

These are people who are truly your professional advocates, the ones who will tell the world how great you are without any prompting. They are in your fan club and go crazy in a room when your name comes up. They bring in business or opportunities for you simply because they believe in you wholeheartedly and share that fact freely. You want to build this quality of network to at least 20 and find a way to stay in touch regularly whether by phone, email, get-togethers, or a newsletter if appropriate.

The theory behind this is that if you choose well, these 20 will multiply into many, many more. They are your front line out there, and they each have many more behind them that they know and can talk to about you.

How do you build your frontline 20? You’ll have to leave your shyness behind. Begin by getting in front of a lot of people at networking, industry and company events. Attend conferences and professional organizations, give presentations and even volunteer – any way you can see and be seen. Gradually the contacts begin to build on each other and it will taper to smaller, intimate meetings where you get a chance to really know people. The hardest part is starting. Remember that in building your business community what works is a genuine exchange of information on business trends and leads and putting others together that may need connection. Schmoozing is definitely out!

Try It Out:

• Who’s on your Inside Ten list?
• Who’s on your Frontline Twenty?
• What’s one thing you can do to start building your business community?

What Clients Are Saying:

"When a person is stressed and emotionally invested, it's hard to be objective. Elena's coaching framework helped achieve clarity by determining what I wanted and how to get there while achieving balance in other areas. I was fortunate to have known Elena in a professional context before she became my coach. Making the decision to use her was simple - I was already witness to her intelligence, optimism and effective communication style. She combines a rare skill set - demonstrated serial success, a zest for life and new ventures, and a genuine concern for people."
-Christine Berka, Director, Business Development

This month's Social Book Club Event - October 29 http://connectthedotsevents.blogspot.com

Hear Elena speak at the Mom Cafe, November 2 - www.momcafe.net

William Tell Overture For Moms

I thought this was just hilarious. In just two minutes she sums what moms would say to their kids in a 24 hour period.

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_oc1j5NakY

Relationships That Fuel You

While we’ve all heard the saying “on your deathbed you won’t regret that you didn’t work more,” the reality is that work is a major part of our lives due to financial obligations, a means to creating a lifestyle we want to lead or if we’re lucky, the pursuit of a passionate career.

However, if we listen to our hearts and what is truly important to us, relationships – deep and meaningful relationships - tend to be at the top of our list. The TV show, Dateline, once polled viewers and asked them how they would spend an extra hour of time. Over 75% answered, “I’d spend more time with loved ones.”

Life is too short. When you come to the end of your life, what you’ll remember most is not how much money you made, or how successful or educated you are. You’ll want others to know how much you loved them and how much you appreciated sharing your life with them.

I know this first-hand. My father, a successful and hard working entrepreneur told me on his hospital bed, “I wish I had taken you kids on that cross-country road trip.” There was such sadness and regret in his voice, and I remember thinking, “It seems such a simple thing to do and we’ve done long trips in the past, why didn’t we do it?” I’m sure we would have created memories of adventure, fun and laughter that we would cherish for many years.

These days, our busy lives have contributed to us spending most of our time relating to each other on a superficial level, even with those we live in the same household with. We often miss out on opportunities to have the deeply satisfying experience of a soulful connection – one that touches your heart and makes you feel grateful to have someone’s presence in your life. You know what I am talking about. It’s those conversations where you are moved to tears, or a smile remains on your face after you hang up the phone.

If you long for these high-quality relationships and deeper connections, you need to do this intentionally. It doesn’t happen naturally – you must take an active role. You can either spend your time having dozens of pleasant chats, or have meaningful conversations, trustworthy friends and uplifting relationships. Which would you choose?

Cheryl Richardson, in her book Take Time for Your Life, says to build your soulful community, you must eliminate relationships that drain you and replace them with relationships that fuel you.

Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from being your best. These include:

• The Blamer – everyone else is at fault for her problems
• The Complainer – nothing ever goes right and he never does anything about it
• The Drainer- is extremely needy and sucks the life out of you
• The Shamer – this person puts you down or makes fun of your ideas in front of others
• The Discounter- has a strong need to be right and challenges everything you say
• The Gossip – avoids intimacy by talking about others

While we encounter these types in ourselves or others at some point or another, it is when the situation becomes a “steady diet” that you should consider looking for people that will add to the quality of your life in a positive way – the kind of people to fuel and support you. These are people who are:

• Proactive – a person on a path of personal development and changing their life for the better
• Appreciative- consistently values your relationship, as well as your gifts, talents and strengths
• Communicative – committed to respectful and non-defensive communication that brings relationships closer instead of apart
• Attentive – pays attention to what you say, withholds judgment and cares about what you need to feel safe
• Honest – committed to integrity and telling the truth
• Accountable – takes full responsibility for their part in the relationship and how it can grow

These are people with whom you can be truly yourself. You feel upbeat and energized instead of depleted or drained. You feel good when you are with these types of persons.

To begin building your soulful community, take an inventory of the people who already share your life. Whether family, friends or colleagues, identify people you would like to go deeper with. Take these relationships to the next level by appreciating them – who are they, or what have they done that enriches your life? You can let them know by sending a note, calling them or lending them a hand. You can also acknowledge a talent, gift or characteristic that is unique to them.

These are not compliments (ie. I like your dress, I enjoyed your performance, I think you’ve done a great job). Rather, acknowledgements are statements about “who” someone is, not what they "do". These are “you” statements such as “you have a great sense of style or, you are so intuitive, you have such an ability to know what I need when I need it.”

Start practicing this skill with the people closest to you, the relationships you often take for granted. We tend to express our frustrations and disappointments with our loved ones rather than acknowledging who they are and what we love about them. Do this and watch your relationship grow and deepen. Your life will be richer for it…and I can guarantee you will never regret it.

Try It Out:

*Looking at the list of relationships that drain you. Is there one you need to let go of?

*Who do you need to add, or appreciate in your soulful community?

*What’s a regular practice you can integrate into your life, to appreciate those in your soulful community?

What Clients Are Saying:

Over the past 9 months Elena has helped me achieve my career goals and become a much happier, self-confident, focused person. I was stuck in a position that was not valuing my values. This was eroding my self-confidence and making me believe that I was not good enough to achieve my career goals. Elena helped me understand the values that are important to me, and to understand that even though they might be different from other scientists in my field, they are still valid and would make me a good scientist. She also helped me to see where I still have work to do, and to realize that I would be able to work on those areas of my life that still needs attention. She has shown me that it is not the past that counts, but the future, and how to get to where you want to be.

-Sheila Heymans (Lecturer, Scottish Association for Marine Science)

Summer, CPR for Moms and The Social Book Club

Hello everyone!

We’ve had a glorious week in Vancouver and as flip flops become my footwear of choice, it makes me think of the summer approaching. This is a time of fun, sun, and also some planning. What kind of summer do you want to have? Restful and laid back, adventurous, filled with road trips or entertaining at home?

I’m planning my summer with the end goal in mind – the kind of memories I want to hold at the beginning of September. So our theme this season is “exploration”. My five-year old and I have a trip to Disneyland coming up, to explore his dreams and imagination. Also, it’s our first summer on our beautiful island home and we look forward to exploring the many beaches and trails with new found friends.

On the work front, although things are busier than ever, I am going to make time for a creative break to explore a new vision for one of my businesses. This means saying NO to opportunities, networking events and other typical business activities in order to…think and create. Sometimes we get so caught up in the mundane, we forget to step back and connect to the big picture of why we are doing something.

If you’d like more information about creating a theme for the season, check out this article http://www.connectthedotscoach.com/newsletter_0906.html

So, this is a “mixed bag” email and what I have for you now are a gift and an invite:

#1 – A gift for Mothers

Every year, Mother’s Day gets a lot of attention in the media. About how overwhelmed we are, how if we were paid for all the work we do, we would make six-figures and what we really want is some time off alone! Plus, most women are not just wives and mothers, but hold down careers, volunteer, care for elderly parents and are usually available to friends at a moment’s notice. If this sounds like you, I’ve created a f’ree e-course to take back control of your life.

You can access CPR for Moms: Save Yourself From the Life You Created at www.connectthedotscoach.com

#2 – The Social Book Club for Smart and Savvy Women

A couple of years ago, when everyone got too busy, my book club disbanded. Not only did I miss the camaraderie of like-minded women, I missed the discussions. Although I read a lot, I still have way more books on my to-read list. Along with my colleague Emma, we are launching the Social Book Club – we read the books and you get the lessons! If you’re in the Vancouver area, come join us for some drinks, a bit of networking and meet fun women who want to learn. Get the details at the events page on www.connectthedotscoach.com

That’s it for now. I hope to hear from you or see you this summer – living your season’s intention. Feel free to circulate this to anyone that may be interested in the gift and invite.

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have the compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

This poem came my way today and really hit home. Perhaps because I recognized myself. Women tend to put everyone else's achievements on a pedestal and often minimize our own successes. We don't take enough credit for our contributions - whether in the family, our career, our community. There's the feeling that we don't do enough and what we do achieve isn't worth much. What's that about?

Be A Kid Again

A friend asked my 4-year old son Paolo, “Do you know what your mommy’s job is?” Confidently, he replied, “She’s a coach!” To keep things simple, my friend then explained that I help others be happier. Puzzled, he asked “Why? Isn’t everyone happy?”

Sigh. Don’t you just love the perspective of a 4 year old. It got me thinking about being kids again and living simpler, more contented lives. If you’ve ever watched young kids in the playground, they can fight over a toy and five minutes later be going down the slide together, laughing hysterically. Everything left behind and forgotten.

Although all emotions should be respected, as adults, we tend to hang onto anger, disappointment or frustration much longer than we should. What if we could let go of those draining emotions more quickly? And then choose to be more playful, open-minded and unrestrained by the inner voice of reason, cynicism or fear of failure.

That’s what children do. And we can certainly learn a few lessons from them. For example, children:

Take Things at Face Value

They don’t try to read into things. People offering them candy, are just offering them candy. Not trying to harm them, or wanting something from them. They’re just being generous. As adults, how many times do we put a deeper meaning into what someone says or does?

Are Innocent and Trusting

Children trust and accept what is told to them. They trust their parents will take care of them and things will be okay because we tell them so. What if you could take everyone’s word in good faith?

Can Be Brutally Honest

I’ve lost track of the number of times my son has told someone they are short or will die because they smoke cigarettes, or that he doesn’t like my cooking. While embarrassing, a side of me appreciates how his honesty is a reflection of his self-confidence. He’s not afraid to say what he really feels, in a non-malicious way. How many of us have lost that ability?

Don't Judge

Children don’t have strong opinions on race, color or disabilities. They are curious about the differences, but tend to accept everyone on their own merit. They forgive easily for mistakes – whether their own or someone else’s.

Give Unconditional Love
Even when they don’t receive it themselves, children love their family unconditionally, at all times.

In its purest form, love doesn’t judge and doesn’t have conditions attached to it. This is certainly easier said than done but is a goal worth striving for. The experience of receiving unconditional love is the only kind of love to experience in life.

And finally, children are persistent when they want something. Have you ever had a child ask you for a toy, treat or activity they want? Even when you say no, they ask every 5 minutes. And every time they *fully* expect to receive what they’re asking for, no matter how many times you’ve said no in the past. In business, they say you have to make contact with a prospect 7 – 9 times before they buy from you. Yet most people give up at the first sign of encountering resistance…in many aspects of their lives.

Whether it’s to explore your dreams without boundaries, approach projects with curiosity instead of fear, say what you really mean or expect to receive more joy in your life, I invite you to be a kid again. It might just get you what you want.

"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it."

- Harry S. Truman