Relationships That Fuel You

While we’ve all heard the saying “on your deathbed you won’t regret that you didn’t work more,” the reality is that work is a major part of our lives due to financial obligations, a means to creating a lifestyle we want to lead or if we’re lucky, the pursuit of a passionate career.

However, if we listen to our hearts and what is truly important to us, relationships – deep and meaningful relationships - tend to be at the top of our list. The TV show, Dateline, once polled viewers and asked them how they would spend an extra hour of time. Over 75% answered, “I’d spend more time with loved ones.”

Life is too short. When you come to the end of your life, what you’ll remember most is not how much money you made, or how successful or educated you are. You’ll want others to know how much you loved them and how much you appreciated sharing your life with them.

I know this first-hand. My father, a successful and hard working entrepreneur told me on his hospital bed, “I wish I had taken you kids on that cross-country road trip.” There was such sadness and regret in his voice, and I remember thinking, “It seems such a simple thing to do and we’ve done long trips in the past, why didn’t we do it?” I’m sure we would have created memories of adventure, fun and laughter that we would cherish for many years.

These days, our busy lives have contributed to us spending most of our time relating to each other on a superficial level, even with those we live in the same household with. We often miss out on opportunities to have the deeply satisfying experience of a soulful connection – one that touches your heart and makes you feel grateful to have someone’s presence in your life. You know what I am talking about. It’s those conversations where you are moved to tears, or a smile remains on your face after you hang up the phone.

If you long for these high-quality relationships and deeper connections, you need to do this intentionally. It doesn’t happen naturally – you must take an active role. You can either spend your time having dozens of pleasant chats, or have meaningful conversations, trustworthy friends and uplifting relationships. Which would you choose?

Cheryl Richardson, in her book Take Time for Your Life, says to build your soulful community, you must eliminate relationships that drain you and replace them with relationships that fuel you.

Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from being your best. These include:

• The Blamer – everyone else is at fault for her problems
• The Complainer – nothing ever goes right and he never does anything about it
• The Drainer- is extremely needy and sucks the life out of you
• The Shamer – this person puts you down or makes fun of your ideas in front of others
• The Discounter- has a strong need to be right and challenges everything you say
• The Gossip – avoids intimacy by talking about others

While we encounter these types in ourselves or others at some point or another, it is when the situation becomes a “steady diet” that you should consider looking for people that will add to the quality of your life in a positive way – the kind of people to fuel and support you. These are people who are:

• Proactive – a person on a path of personal development and changing their life for the better
• Appreciative- consistently values your relationship, as well as your gifts, talents and strengths
• Communicative – committed to respectful and non-defensive communication that brings relationships closer instead of apart
• Attentive – pays attention to what you say, withholds judgment and cares about what you need to feel safe
• Honest – committed to integrity and telling the truth
• Accountable – takes full responsibility for their part in the relationship and how it can grow

These are people with whom you can be truly yourself. You feel upbeat and energized instead of depleted or drained. You feel good when you are with these types of persons.

To begin building your soulful community, take an inventory of the people who already share your life. Whether family, friends or colleagues, identify people you would like to go deeper with. Take these relationships to the next level by appreciating them – who are they, or what have they done that enriches your life? You can let them know by sending a note, calling them or lending them a hand. You can also acknowledge a talent, gift or characteristic that is unique to them.

These are not compliments (ie. I like your dress, I enjoyed your performance, I think you’ve done a great job). Rather, acknowledgements are statements about “who” someone is, not what they "do". These are “you” statements such as “you have a great sense of style or, you are so intuitive, you have such an ability to know what I need when I need it.”

Start practicing this skill with the people closest to you, the relationships you often take for granted. We tend to express our frustrations and disappointments with our loved ones rather than acknowledging who they are and what we love about them. Do this and watch your relationship grow and deepen. Your life will be richer for it…and I can guarantee you will never regret it.

Try It Out:

*Looking at the list of relationships that drain you. Is there one you need to let go of?

*Who do you need to add, or appreciate in your soulful community?

*What’s a regular practice you can integrate into your life, to appreciate those in your soulful community?

What Clients Are Saying:

Over the past 9 months Elena has helped me achieve my career goals and become a much happier, self-confident, focused person. I was stuck in a position that was not valuing my values. This was eroding my self-confidence and making me believe that I was not good enough to achieve my career goals. Elena helped me understand the values that are important to me, and to understand that even though they might be different from other scientists in my field, they are still valid and would make me a good scientist. She also helped me to see where I still have work to do, and to realize that I would be able to work on those areas of my life that still needs attention. She has shown me that it is not the past that counts, but the future, and how to get to where you want to be.

-Sheila Heymans (Lecturer, Scottish Association for Marine Science)